I asked a girl for consent

They have antibodies

They have antibodies

"The jerky store called, and they've run out of you!!"

She grins and says, "Wanna have a competition to see who can pee the highest?" The man smirks. "Alright, but ladies first." The woman steps up, pulls down her pants, leans back with her hands on her hips, and lets loose—her stream reaching chest height on the urinal. The man nods, clearly impressed. "Not bad, but I reckon I can beat that." He unzips, gets ready to aim, when— The woman smirks and says "Nah ah. No hands."

(Reposting here as too long for Dad jokes) Newish teacher was due for an inspection and was worried about how her class would make her look. Her boyfriend, an engineer, designed something special for her and installed it the night before the inspection. Basically, he'd placed drawing pins under each chair that were controlled by a wireless signal from teacher's iPad. Next morning, when the inspector walked in, she pressed the "all" button and the pins went into every pupils backside. Of course they all jumped up, and the inspector was impressed by the class' respectful behaviour. Next, the teacher told him she was doing a pop quiz on the Bible. First question was "Who was our Lord and Saviour?" She called on George and pressed his button. George jumped up, rubbing his bottom, exclaiming "Jesus Christ!" Next question was "Who was sent floating in a basket down the river?" This time it was Brian's turn to get the jab. He jumped up, rubbing his bottom, crying out "Holy Moses!" The next question was "What did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden?" This time, she called upon Johnny (oh, will they never learn?) who'd been stung once and had seen the how the teacher was doing the tricks. Before she could press the button for Johnny, he'd already jumped up, saying "You're not going to stick that thing in me."

But I told him I couldn't, because I had a weak back. He asked me how long I'd had a weak back. And I said "Oh, about a week back."

"My car is broken, and I need it fixed ASAP." **Quantum Mechanic:** No problem. That’ll be $500. Come back in an hour. The man waits an hour and returns. "Is my car fixed?" **Quantum Mechanic:** Your car is both fixed and still broken. Frustrated, the man says, **"This is the most advanced, most expensive, most important car in the world! Do you understand the GRAVITY of this situation?"** **Quantum Mechanic:** No

Orange is the new black

Being nose or throat responsible

Cause he was a wobbly